The Networking Mistake Thoughtful People Make
If you spend more time wondering how to help than actually reaching out, you may be falling into a trap that keeps good conversations from ever starting.
One of the most common pieces of networking advice is:
“Offer value first.”
It sounds reasonable.
But it creates a problem for a lot of people.
What am I supposed to offer?
How do I know what this person needs?
What if my offer isn’t actually useful?
What if I’m just interrupting them?
That advice assumes you already know how you can help.
Most of the time, you don’t.
Especially when you haven’t talked to the person in a while.
You may not know what they’re working on.
What they’re struggling with.
What they’re excited about.
Or what kind of help would matter to them right now.
So you hesitate.
Not because you don’t want to be helpful.
Because you don’t want to offer something meaningless.
You care so much about being useful that you become afraid of getting it wrong.
That’s the obstacle faced by the fifth and final Networking Type:
The Self-Doubting Giver.
This issue takes about 5 minutes to read…
(BTW - If you want to find out your Networking Type, I created a FREE quiz to help you out!)
This is issue #206 of The Introverted Networker.
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What Self-Doubting Givers Really Doubt
The name might make it sound like Self-Doubting Givers simply lack confidence.
Sometimes they do.
They may think:
“Why would this person want to hear from me?”
Or:
“I don’t have anything valuable to offer.”
But the self-doubt is often more subtle than that.
It sounds like:
“I don’t know what they would find useful.”
“Offering help feels too generic.”
“Should I interrupt them?”
“What if they don’t really want to hear from me?”
That is an important difference.
Self-Doubting Givers are willing to contribute.
But they’re uncertain about how their contribution will be received.
They don’t want to offer help just so they can say they offered.
They want it to matter.
That thoughtfulness is one of their greatest strengths.
It’s also what can keep them from reaching out at all.
The Strength Behind the Struggle
Every Networking Type has a strength hiding underneath the obstacle.
The Self-Doubting Giver’s strength is:
Thoughtful generosity.
They don’t want every relationship to be about what they can get.
They think about the other person.
They want to be helpful.
They care whether their offer is sincere and useful.
Those are good instincts.
But thoughtful generosity becomes a problem when you decide you must prove your value before the relationship can begin.
You start treating every message like an exchange.
Before you contact someone, you think you need to bring something equal to the table.
But relationships don’t work that way.
Sometimes you help.
Sometimes they help.
Sometimes neither person needs anything.
You simply stay connected.
A relationship doesn’t have to produce immediate value to be worthwhile.
Stop Trying to Guess
The problem with “offer value first” is that it encourages you to guess.
You guess what the other person needs.
You guess what they might find useful.
You guess whether your offer is good enough.
Then you second-guess the entire message and never send it.
There’s an easier approach:
Get curious before you try to be useful.
Start the conversation.
Ask what’s happening in their world.
Listen to what they tell you.
You may discover they’re looking for someone with a particular skill.
They may be trying to learn about a company you know well.
They may need encouragement more than advice.
They may not need anything at all.
You won’t know until you talk to them.
The value doesn’t always have to be in the first message.
The first message can create the conversation where the value becomes clear.
Listen, Then Give
One of the steps in The Connection Loop™ is Listen and Give.
The order matters.
Listen first.
Give second.
Some people try to reverse it.
They believe they need to arrive with an offer before they’ve earned the conversation.
But listening is already a form of giving.
Asking a thoughtful question is valuable.
Showing interest in their work is valuable.
Encouraging someone is valuable.
You don’t have to solve a major problem.
Small acts of attention often matter more than grand offers of help.
Your First Step
The first step for a Self-Doubting Giver is not:
“Figure out what you have to offer.”
It’s:
“Reach out without requiring yourself to offer anything.”
Choose someone you already know.
Send a short message with:
One personal update
One specific question
For example:
“Hi Maria, I was thinking about you after a conversation about your old industry. I’ve been spending a lot of time working on my networking quiz lately. What are you most excited about in your work right now?”
Or:
“Hi James, it’s been a while. I saw something that reminded me of the project you were leading last year. How did that end up going?”
Or:
“Hi Priya, I realized we haven’t talked in a long time. I’d love to hear what you’ve been working on lately.”
None of those messages contains an offer.
That’s okay.
Your job is not to prove that you deserve the conversation.
Your job is to open it.
You are already bringing something to the relationship.
Attention.
Curiosity.
Encouragement.
Experience.
Perspective.
A willingness to listen.
You may not know which of those things will be useful yet.
That doesn’t mean they have no value.
It means the value hasn’t been discovered.
Stop requiring yourself to arrive with the answer.
Start with the conversation.
Listen closely.
Then give when you see a genuine opportunity.
The Five Networking Types
The Self-Doubting Giver is the fifth and final Networking Type in this series.
Over the past few weeks, we’ve looked at:
The Authenticity Protector
You want to build relationships, but you’re afraid networking will feel fake or transactional.
The One-Conversation Connector
You have good conversations, but struggle to keep the relationship going afterward.
The Energy Guard
You value relationships, but networking can feel like one more demand on limited time and energy.
The Tongue-Tied Starter
You want to reach out, but overthink what to say.
The Self-Doubting Giver
You want to contribute, but question whether you have anything useful to offer.
Each of these have a different obstacle.
They require different first steps.
But they all share something important:
The thing making networking difficult is often the shadow side of one of your strengths.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You don’t need to become a different kind of person.
You need a way of networking that works with your strengths instead of against them.
And that starts with understanding what’s actually getting in your way.
Still don’t know your networking type?
Take The Networking Types Quiz To Find Out:
Then come back here and tell me what type you are in the comments!
Best Things I Found Online This Week:
Dana Zellers explains how Relationship Debt (similar to technical debt for engineers) accumulates when you know you should be networking, but you aren’t.